I've taken a long break from blogging. Blogging helps me remember the importance of each moment, it helps me stay focused on the good and right. But sometimes in life, that is hard to do...stay focused on the good that is. Here's what I've been through...
Trent was in school, earning his MBA, for two years. We agreed, then, that now was as good a time as any, just get it done. None of this drag it out over several years nonsense. Nose to the grindstone and no complaining...because while he is studying, listening to lectures, the occasional field trip, working way more than 40 hours per week and then locking himself in our room to study and write papers all weekend- I had three kids in three different schools, was pregnant the first year of his schooling and had a newborn the second year. I was drowning, and I'm a damn good swimmer. You all know me. I was also the girl scout leader, the soccer coach, the room mother (for two classes), and chaired a majorly successful auction. I continued to travel to both families with three kids, without Trent, while pregnant or with a newborn...many times a year- and traveled for vacations, too! None of these are complaints, none of them. In fact, by writing that list in my head, was the only way for me to see through the fog I was in. I was rocking life, I was the Michael Phelps of momhood...who also was drowning, silently, because I had no energy left to let my guard down. Do you know what I mean? Letting your guard down requires an enormous amount of energy because you get an emotional release for a minute but then have to resurrect that wall of strength and fortitude for the remainder of the swim. I couldn't even tolerate the thought of that. So, I pressed on.
I seemed strong, amazing, with never ending energy and smiles and patience. But it killed me when someone would say, "gosh, poor Trent, he's working so hard and never takes a break". WTF people...he eats alone, drives alone, is mentally stimulated with other motivated adults at college lectures, etc. Trent, shment. In my world, I literally learned to pretend he didn't exist. For many months, my children didn't see him from Sunday night to Thursday night. He was there, but only from late at night when he got home from class, to early when he left for work and they weren't up yet. So, anyway, Trent who? But, I didn't say that (actually, I did say that to him). Or how about: "I don't know how you do it, you have so much energy"....none people, I have no energy, I could've slept on my cold concrete floor, face down, at 10 o'clock in the morning on any given day...any.day....but I drank unhealthy amounts of caffeine and lets admit, adrenaline and anxiety are powerful get-things-done helpers. I used them for all they were worth. For two damn years.
And so then, Trent was done, he was home...life goes back to normal right? Here is where life gets murky. You see, I knew it wouldn't go right back to "normal". What's normal anyway? He'd been gone, for the majority of time for 2 years. This house ran my way, all the time, all.the.time. It had to. That's how I survived. So for him to try to jump back in to "my household" was not an easy task. Its been 15 months now, and its better. We've worked at it, we've had a lot of run ins and talks and lets get to the real issue kind of nights. And of course, there are more puzzle pieces that I can't decode in this blog tonight. But things are better. But they weren't then.
Why do I continue to tell you this? Because this is reality people. Marriage is hard. Its not really that fun sometimes. Its not what you think you're signing up for and frankly (no offense to my elders), but no one tells you the real truth. That sucks. Because you know what, you feel alone, you feel like you're failing when its not "good", like you made a wrong choice, sold yourself out, got stuck, and who do you tell that to? That's hard stuff. And so then, through those two years of school and many months after of recovering from that time period...you pray a damn lot. You pray because you have no room left in your heart or brain to do anything else.
NEVER did I cease to see the blessings all around me, so don't pull that card. Trent tried that a couple times, it didn't play out well for him. I knew my blessings. And because I knew my blessings of healthy kids, safe neighborhood, a husband with a job that also covered me to stay home, insurance, on and on...I could see the sadness around me more deeply. I saw friends' husbands leaving them, I saw children go to heaven much too early, I watched the news and that left me with disgust, despair, and confusion, I see heartache all around me- not just in war torn countries, or in Calcutta with Mother Teresa....I see it in my friends, neighbors, family, everywhere. Everyone has pain. Why?
Why does God create this world and us and then sit back and watch? (Let me stop here and say that all of these thoughts were my thoughts then, they were real, and if you've ever been in a fog...maybe lets call it a bit of depression...you know what I'm talking about here. If you haven't, then maybe this will help understand why it sucks so bad.) Are we a reality tv show for him? And then whoever wins goes to heaven? That's BS. And I straight told him (GOD) that, too. Life is not fun. Life is full of hard. The more you step outside yourself and look around, you see the pain everyone else has, too. No one tells you this ahead of time and so at some point you are blindsided with all of this. Is this really the point of growing up? To trek through the mud, keeping your eyes set on seeing the flowers and sunshine around you, even though you are walking through trenches, and dips and valleys and fog. seriously, again God, WTF
At one point, I even thought, you know what God? You made me to have a deep heart, a heart that loves my family so much, that sees the importance of surrounding yourself with family, not only to receive from them all their love and knowledge and support but because damnit I want to give that to them. I want to be a safe haven for my niece and nephews, a leg to stand on for my parents or grandparents, a safe babysitter for my brothers and sisters, extra family for my cousin and her kids...and on and on. Why God did you make this such a huge part of my heart if while I'm swimming in the deep end, as are some of my family members, we can't be together to do it! W T F. I'd rather just not have a voice then God, not have feelings, because you know what, if I cared less, then all this (and some more) wouldn't hurt so much and feel so hard. I hated it. I thought life was miserable...and to be real honest, my thoughts haven't fully shifted away from this.What's different now is that I've had some talks with God, real ones, I've heard him...I'll blog that later. And, I know, that the pain, the discomfort, the annoyingness of life, the ugly side of it- well, it will never go away. So, at least, I can go on knowing that I still have purpose- he told me so. I have big work to do.
I look back, now, on that crappy 2 and a half years, and know that it took my heart to get that broken open, to let go of all that didn't matter, or actually- to accept it for what it is. The crap is real, we all have it. So still, some reader may say- "she has no idea how good she has it?" And there you're wrong...just read my other blogs. I get it, fully. I wouldn't have pulled through with that resume during that time period without my amazing friends, neighbors, kids, and family from afar. I am privileged to be in a free country, in a safe neighborhood, surrounded with health and a degree of wealth. I get it, completely.
Maybe I can't ever explain the hurt and alone-ness I felt. But if you've felt it, you read that and understood every word. You aren't alone either, ever, but yes, it absolutely can feel that way.
But now its out there, a bit of the foggier side to my story, and it needs to be, because soon I'll write about what happened to me, when I was struggling to swim, praying desperately to see light in a different way because the light I thought I saw felt only like reflections.
And I do want people to know, and someday my kids, that life isn't easy and its really not about being fun. Neither really is marriage, actually. And that's ok, too. You'll make it through on your path. I'm here to pray for you, feel you, see the light for you and speak of it to encourage you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing what you "know" is right even if you have no energy left to believe in it because I've always known this: You have to keep moving because "even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" Will Rogers.
Keep going, keep trying, keep swimming...
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