A long time ago...
Many years back....
I had an idea.
The Idea: At random, think of people/things you are thankful for. Tell that person in a short note that you are thankful for them or their gift, or their time. Whatever. Whenever. Sure, it could be a teacher that changed the course of your life. Or, it could be looking to the sky to thank the inventor of the dishwasher, praise God. How about that favorite necklace you got from your aunt 10 years ago, let her know you still love it. And maybe its thanking your dad for a simple piece of advice that you've since passed on to someone else. Who knows! You know you have those thankful thoughts many times a day, why not pass on the happy feeling of gratitude behind it.
But Why?: When you experience a moment of gratitude, it gives you a feeling of joy, peace, a positive outlook on life, even if its just for a moment. But, even a moment has the potential to change the trajectory of your day. When you express that gratitude back to the person who gave you that item, time or memory, they then experience a moment of joy and peace and positivity. It would be too simplistic to think this creates a "full circle" moment of joy because that isn't usually the outcome. Which leads us to...
The Outcome: When expressed, the joy from that gratitude is given back to the giver. So the love is divided and multiplied at the same time; that is how love works. Both individuals are more encouraged to continue putting effort with kindness into the world and a stream of goodness begins to flow. It is simple, free, and only takes a few minutes of your time when you feel compelled to thank someone.
So, I'm starting a movement. It will be called: Thank You, Again or #thankyouagain
To you, thank you for reading this post. It means a lot to me to be able to push kindness into the world. I am so grateful to have the life I have each day, that God has continued to show me his presence in the world and how I can play my part to forward his agenda of love. Remember, you are never alone, you are loved and valuable and thank you for getting up each day and making this world a better place.
#thankyouagain
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Thursday, January 16, 2020
Angels Travel With Me
As a family, we take a lot of long road trips and the great majority of them are without Trent because someone has to pay the bills ;) . The kids and I will hop in the car any time we can and head to visit grandparents or seek out new adventure, head to the beach, the woods, whatever! My kids are great travelers because they've never not done it. Now, I know the dangers of road travel and I want to be as safe and careful as I can be. I am strict on the car seat laws and recommendations. To my kids: maybe your friends sit in the front seat, maybe they don't use a booster seat anymore, but...but, those recommendations and laws are in place to keep you the safest you can be and by golly I'm following those to a T!
In addition to good car seats, I pray a lot. I take the two days before a big road trip and start lowering my anxiety level as much as possible. I let the little things go, I am methodical in planning, I take time to breathe and time to calm my mind. The most important goal in a road trip is getting their safely. This does not mean it won't take longer than expected, include major meltdowns or kids that get sick on the way- really sick, or that I will despise driving another moment...those are just side effects of a road trip. Getting their fast and on time are bonuses, getting there safely is the goal.
When I actually load everyone up and start driving (and I always drive because I get car sick), I pray. No one knows that I am. It is just a private conversation with God. I promise to do my best to be calm, alert, positive and open to hearing God. I ask him to please protect us, guide us, keep us safe. It is usually shortly after the cessation of that prayer that I sense their presence. I think THEY are our angels. I don't think about it, I just feel it and see it on the blank screen in my mind. I know how many there are, and what position they're in around my car.
What do I see? Well, kind of a flowing, transparent, wispy, white presence. I know whether they are around my car, in front of my car, or wherever. I just instantly sense them.
Is it always the same? Not at all. Usually there are as many angels as people in my car, but not always. Sometimes, there are more...and all usually white.
But this one time....I'd left Shreveport with the kids to celebrate 4th of July with my family in St. Louis, the summer of 2013. Our four white angels were there, roughly at the four corners of the car. But, on top of the car was a gray angel, more wispy. I'd never seen a gray one. What was that about? It was still a positive presence but less defined. Over time, I've come to enjoy, appreciate, expect their presence so I just thought to myself, "the more the merrier I guess". We had a wonderful trip. And when I got home to Shreveport a few weeks later, I took a test...Steven was on his way to this world. I truly believe that while I didn't realize it yet, Steven was already with us...he was already there, God was placing him into our lives and he needed protection in that car, too. Holy Moly that's crazy!
Another time, and this was before that last story about the gray angel...I was travelling with Jack, Grace and Will. I don't remember where we were going but as I'm driving along, I see the flashing lights ahead on the highway. On the other side of the highway, it was a huge accident, many, many flashing lights and cars backed up for miles. I prayed for all involved, I prayed that God would show his presence to those involved, the first responders and families that would soon receive a call. There were white sheets over bodies on the road....it was awful. As I passed, I sensed Grace and Jack's angels leave us! I sensed them leave us to go to that scene. My mind was thinking: "hey, wait, what about us?"! It was so suddend and I was amazed at what was transpiring. The angels that remained with us reassured me that we were covered and to stay alert. How do they do that? I don't know, it's like as soon as I had that thought, I knew the answer. Like my own mind answered me, yet, I didn't think up the answer. The two angels that left were needed there. When I tell you that all of these thoughts and feelings are happening in a few seconds, I promise they are. I even felt guilt for worrying about us when obviously those people needed those angels more. I didn't know what to think. I'd never travelled without our full fleet of angels. So, I told God that I trusted the plan and that I was glad for our angels to know to do what they needed to do. We would press on. Many hours later, almost like getting a chill or something jogging your memory, those two angels were back. I could tell there was communication or energy flowing between the two that came back and the two that had stayed with us. And then, peace. All was back to normal. Where had they gone exactly? What had they gone to do? I'll never know. I just felt so glad for them to be back.
I bet you have them, too. Ask God to help you see or feel his presence around you, maybe sometimes its in the presence of angels. Thank you God for keeping us safe.
In addition to good car seats, I pray a lot. I take the two days before a big road trip and start lowering my anxiety level as much as possible. I let the little things go, I am methodical in planning, I take time to breathe and time to calm my mind. The most important goal in a road trip is getting their safely. This does not mean it won't take longer than expected, include major meltdowns or kids that get sick on the way- really sick, or that I will despise driving another moment...those are just side effects of a road trip. Getting their fast and on time are bonuses, getting there safely is the goal.
When I actually load everyone up and start driving (and I always drive because I get car sick), I pray. No one knows that I am. It is just a private conversation with God. I promise to do my best to be calm, alert, positive and open to hearing God. I ask him to please protect us, guide us, keep us safe. It is usually shortly after the cessation of that prayer that I sense their presence. I think THEY are our angels. I don't think about it, I just feel it and see it on the blank screen in my mind. I know how many there are, and what position they're in around my car.
What do I see? Well, kind of a flowing, transparent, wispy, white presence. I know whether they are around my car, in front of my car, or wherever. I just instantly sense them.
Is it always the same? Not at all. Usually there are as many angels as people in my car, but not always. Sometimes, there are more...and all usually white.
But this one time....I'd left Shreveport with the kids to celebrate 4th of July with my family in St. Louis, the summer of 2013. Our four white angels were there, roughly at the four corners of the car. But, on top of the car was a gray angel, more wispy. I'd never seen a gray one. What was that about? It was still a positive presence but less defined. Over time, I've come to enjoy, appreciate, expect their presence so I just thought to myself, "the more the merrier I guess". We had a wonderful trip. And when I got home to Shreveport a few weeks later, I took a test...Steven was on his way to this world. I truly believe that while I didn't realize it yet, Steven was already with us...he was already there, God was placing him into our lives and he needed protection in that car, too. Holy Moly that's crazy!
Another time, and this was before that last story about the gray angel...I was travelling with Jack, Grace and Will. I don't remember where we were going but as I'm driving along, I see the flashing lights ahead on the highway. On the other side of the highway, it was a huge accident, many, many flashing lights and cars backed up for miles. I prayed for all involved, I prayed that God would show his presence to those involved, the first responders and families that would soon receive a call. There were white sheets over bodies on the road....it was awful. As I passed, I sensed Grace and Jack's angels leave us! I sensed them leave us to go to that scene. My mind was thinking: "hey, wait, what about us?"! It was so suddend and I was amazed at what was transpiring. The angels that remained with us reassured me that we were covered and to stay alert. How do they do that? I don't know, it's like as soon as I had that thought, I knew the answer. Like my own mind answered me, yet, I didn't think up the answer. The two angels that left were needed there. When I tell you that all of these thoughts and feelings are happening in a few seconds, I promise they are. I even felt guilt for worrying about us when obviously those people needed those angels more. I didn't know what to think. I'd never travelled without our full fleet of angels. So, I told God that I trusted the plan and that I was glad for our angels to know to do what they needed to do. We would press on. Many hours later, almost like getting a chill or something jogging your memory, those two angels were back. I could tell there was communication or energy flowing between the two that came back and the two that had stayed with us. And then, peace. All was back to normal. Where had they gone exactly? What had they gone to do? I'll never know. I just felt so glad for them to be back.
I bet you have them, too. Ask God to help you see or feel his presence around you, maybe sometimes its in the presence of angels. Thank you God for keeping us safe.
Thursday, January 9, 2020
That is crazy, but thank you, I hear you
December 9, 2019
So, I have these candles that have their own built in timers. They sit in my windows throughout the Christmas season. One of them is a little finicky, it was hard to get it on and set with the timer but at this point had been running on schedule for a couple of weeks at least. Anyway, I had just sent my parents and in-laws a text with pictures of the new space where Trent will open his second physical therapy clinic. It was cause for a little mid-day celebration because I really feel like he listened to his instincts (aka God's voice) and moved on this. He has to step out in faith a bit because its a different area then we are used to, across town the exact opposite direction of his first clinic, but Trent feels sure about it. I also feel good about it because I can see it all coming together through Trent. So, this particular day we had met for lunch and to see the new space before renovation began. When I left Trent, I prayed all the way home...thanking God about our house being able to be renovated recently for us and all of our friends and neighbors to enjoy and have a place of safety and support and rest. I prayed in support of Trent and on and on ...while listening to Pastor Mike of course. Then, I had to get back to life, packing sports clothes, snacks, filling water bottles, etc. I walked into my kitchen to fill a water botter and when I went to the sink, this candle was on! It's not supposed to come on until 6, it was only 2:30. It's neighbor candle was still off and I had set them together. But, you see, this is not a coincidence. That was nod form the other side, maybe my Grandma Rosie or maybe God hinself. I knew that as soon as I saw it. How do I know? I know because it was an instantaneous thought in my head. I knew it the moment I saw the light on. I actually smiled and then turned it off. But here's what's crazy, I went to pack another bag, came back to fill another water bottle, AND IT WAS ON AGAIN! I kid you not. I even took a picture.
I stopped right there, leaned on my arms over my sink, head down, hands folded and said, "I'm listening, thank you, I hear you...you're here, whatever you need me to do...I'm ready". And I was still amazed. But it gets even better...
here's why...See this bowl of feathers...
It is one of our many collections of treasures. I passed it on the way to pack that last bag, and I thought, if that candle is really a sign, I might find a feather outside or something - and that is when I went back to find the light on for a second time. I thought to myself, I'm not supposed to test God, he turned that light on AGAIN, I obviously don't need to ask for specific signs, and on and on...
But, right before leaving, I walked outside to bring our guinea pig in, so I could go pick up the kids from school and OMG, look...
That is a giant feather, right in front of her cage.
Now that is crazy, right? It is another reassurance that our thoughts are heard. The gratitude we express is appreciated. The requests we send are acknowledged.
There is still more. I get into the car to go pick up the kids. Occasionally, my phone will sync to the car and randomly play a song. This happened. The song...Celebration. That was confirmation to me that my Grandma Rosie also played a part in all of this. She was big on celebrating, especially with music. I knew that she played that song as a nod to Trent, a celebration of another business success on the way.
These things happen to all of us. I assure you they do. Write down coincidences. Start looking at them in hindsight. When they become clearer, then start trying to notice them as they happen...you will be amazed! I am, every time!
So, I have these candles that have their own built in timers. They sit in my windows throughout the Christmas season. One of them is a little finicky, it was hard to get it on and set with the timer but at this point had been running on schedule for a couple of weeks at least. Anyway, I had just sent my parents and in-laws a text with pictures of the new space where Trent will open his second physical therapy clinic. It was cause for a little mid-day celebration because I really feel like he listened to his instincts (aka God's voice) and moved on this. He has to step out in faith a bit because its a different area then we are used to, across town the exact opposite direction of his first clinic, but Trent feels sure about it. I also feel good about it because I can see it all coming together through Trent. So, this particular day we had met for lunch and to see the new space before renovation began. When I left Trent, I prayed all the way home...thanking God about our house being able to be renovated recently for us and all of our friends and neighbors to enjoy and have a place of safety and support and rest. I prayed in support of Trent and on and on ...while listening to Pastor Mike of course. Then, I had to get back to life, packing sports clothes, snacks, filling water bottles, etc. I walked into my kitchen to fill a water botter and when I went to the sink, this candle was on! It's not supposed to come on until 6, it was only 2:30. It's neighbor candle was still off and I had set them together. But, you see, this is not a coincidence. That was nod form the other side, maybe my Grandma Rosie or maybe God hinself. I knew that as soon as I saw it. How do I know? I know because it was an instantaneous thought in my head. I knew it the moment I saw the light on. I actually smiled and then turned it off. But here's what's crazy, I went to pack another bag, came back to fill another water bottle, AND IT WAS ON AGAIN! I kid you not. I even took a picture.
I stopped right there, leaned on my arms over my sink, head down, hands folded and said, "I'm listening, thank you, I hear you...you're here, whatever you need me to do...I'm ready". And I was still amazed. But it gets even better...
here's why...See this bowl of feathers...
It is one of our many collections of treasures. I passed it on the way to pack that last bag, and I thought, if that candle is really a sign, I might find a feather outside or something - and that is when I went back to find the light on for a second time. I thought to myself, I'm not supposed to test God, he turned that light on AGAIN, I obviously don't need to ask for specific signs, and on and on...
But, right before leaving, I walked outside to bring our guinea pig in, so I could go pick up the kids from school and OMG, look...
That is a giant feather, right in front of her cage.
Now that is crazy, right? It is another reassurance that our thoughts are heard. The gratitude we express is appreciated. The requests we send are acknowledged.
There is still more. I get into the car to go pick up the kids. Occasionally, my phone will sync to the car and randomly play a song. This happened. The song...Celebration. That was confirmation to me that my Grandma Rosie also played a part in all of this. She was big on celebrating, especially with music. I knew that she played that song as a nod to Trent, a celebration of another business success on the way.
These things happen to all of us. I assure you they do. Write down coincidences. Start looking at them in hindsight. When they become clearer, then start trying to notice them as they happen...you will be amazed! I am, every time!
DID YOU SEE THAT???
Life has continued. I'm still in communication with God. I still get messages and recognize those "coincidences". But, I also still despise living away from family. Especially when all is not well. My dad has been struggling with health issues and to compound what he already has going on, prostate cancer has been added to the list.
Today's tale begins on a day I'd been praying for my dad to feel God's presence (January 8, 2018). I wanted him to know God was with him, that I was with him, in spirit. I prayed for my mom because caretakers and spouses work hard supporting, cheerleading and nurturing the one alongside them that is not well. They need support too.
This day, my dad had his first appointment with the oncologist since running all the necessary tests and blood work with regards to the prostate cancer. My kids were at school for the morning, I stayed busy but prayed along the way. I even stopped during the day and really channeled myself right into that appointment. I wanted my dad to feel my support, to encourage the doctor to be wise, patient and open to whatever God would put in his heart. I wanted to be there. Amazingly enough, I could "see" my Great Aunt Rosalie and Grandma Rosie in that room, too! My Aunt Rosalie was ready with questions, and was right beside, slightly behind, my dad. My Grandma Rosie was right beside and a little behind her. What you need to know is that those two amazing women are in heaven, I'm not sure anyone else knew they were there but I absolutely saw them and knew they were. I'll blog later about how I "see" things like that.
Anyway, I had to leave that prayer time to pick Steven up from school which is always a treat. To see your child give you a huge smile, jump in the car and immediately start recounting all the greatness of their day is an amazing feeling. He is full of joy, passionate and never stops. A cute,blonde bundle of energy. As we listened to preschool songs and talked about his day, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that my mind was also drifting back to thoughts and worries about my dad. So, I kept talking to God: "please be with him, please make sure we all see you in this process, please calm my anxieties and use me however you need to make this process easier".
As we pulled in my neighborhood, my anxieties grew as I knew I could soon call and get an update from my parents. Again, I told God "please stay here, please be present". As I turned onto our side street (our house is a corner house), I see a giant bird swoop down over our house, over my car- like, literally, 6 feet above the hood of my car and my jaw dropped.
STEVEN, STEVEN, OH MY GOD, THAT'S A BALD EAGLE!!!! STEVEN LOOK, DO YOU SEE THAT??? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
We stopped the car in the middle of the street. The bald eagle circled my house and over the street twice and then landed somewhere behind my house. I took pictures and kept screaming to the point that sweet 4 year old Steven says "Mom, its just a bald eagle". We pull in the driveway and I run in the house to get my good camera. I come back out, help Steven out of the car and urge him to come quick, God just sent us a message.
Behind my house is a small lake. On the hillside sloping down into the lake sat a majestic, huge bald eagle. Never have I seen a bald eagle in the wild and surely not at my house! It sat there, looked around and took off again.
I took a million pictures and watched in awe. It circled my house twice again-just my house, where we stood and watched- and then flew off behind my neighbors' homes towards the southeast. I was SHOCKED. I knew that was God's way of saying "I'm here, I'm watching over". Some may still say, coincidence, but I've had too many, at just the right times to use that word much anymore. I heard God, I thanked him, and I have pictures to remember it.
Remember this: You are never alone, God hears you. I promise.
Today's tale begins on a day I'd been praying for my dad to feel God's presence (January 8, 2018). I wanted him to know God was with him, that I was with him, in spirit. I prayed for my mom because caretakers and spouses work hard supporting, cheerleading and nurturing the one alongside them that is not well. They need support too.
This day, my dad had his first appointment with the oncologist since running all the necessary tests and blood work with regards to the prostate cancer. My kids were at school for the morning, I stayed busy but prayed along the way. I even stopped during the day and really channeled myself right into that appointment. I wanted my dad to feel my support, to encourage the doctor to be wise, patient and open to whatever God would put in his heart. I wanted to be there. Amazingly enough, I could "see" my Great Aunt Rosalie and Grandma Rosie in that room, too! My Aunt Rosalie was ready with questions, and was right beside, slightly behind, my dad. My Grandma Rosie was right beside and a little behind her. What you need to know is that those two amazing women are in heaven, I'm not sure anyone else knew they were there but I absolutely saw them and knew they were. I'll blog later about how I "see" things like that.
Anyway, I had to leave that prayer time to pick Steven up from school which is always a treat. To see your child give you a huge smile, jump in the car and immediately start recounting all the greatness of their day is an amazing feeling. He is full of joy, passionate and never stops. A cute,blonde bundle of energy. As we listened to preschool songs and talked about his day, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that my mind was also drifting back to thoughts and worries about my dad. So, I kept talking to God: "please be with him, please make sure we all see you in this process, please calm my anxieties and use me however you need to make this process easier".
As we pulled in my neighborhood, my anxieties grew as I knew I could soon call and get an update from my parents. Again, I told God "please stay here, please be present". As I turned onto our side street (our house is a corner house), I see a giant bird swoop down over our house, over my car- like, literally, 6 feet above the hood of my car and my jaw dropped.
STEVEN, STEVEN, OH MY GOD, THAT'S A BALD EAGLE!!!! STEVEN LOOK, DO YOU SEE THAT??? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
We stopped the car in the middle of the street. The bald eagle circled my house and over the street twice and then landed somewhere behind my house. I took pictures and kept screaming to the point that sweet 4 year old Steven says "Mom, its just a bald eagle". We pull in the driveway and I run in the house to get my good camera. I come back out, help Steven out of the car and urge him to come quick, God just sent us a message.
Behind my house is a small lake. On the hillside sloping down into the lake sat a majestic, huge bald eagle. Never have I seen a bald eagle in the wild and surely not at my house! It sat there, looked around and took off again.
I took a million pictures and watched in awe. It circled my house twice again-just my house, where we stood and watched- and then flew off behind my neighbors' homes towards the southeast. I was SHOCKED. I knew that was God's way of saying "I'm here, I'm watching over". Some may still say, coincidence, but I've had too many, at just the right times to use that word much anymore. I heard God, I thanked him, and I have pictures to remember it.
Remember this: You are never alone, God hears you. I promise.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
That is NOT a coincidence!
What is a coincidence? Well, the dictionary says this: A coincidence is something that's not planned or arranged but seems like it is. Technically, a coincidence is an occurrence of events that happen at the same time by total accident. Hmmm, sounds interesting. Total accident, as in, you're thinking of buying a new yellow Jeep Wrangler and you've never seen one...and now, within the last few days, you've seen 7! Just all the sudden they start showing up? Or maybe a memory popped in your head one day and you thought about a friend you went to high school with. You haven't even seen their name in 20 years and that very next day, she sends you a friend request on FB- or you run into her at the store. That's crazy! These things happen to us all the time. But let's re-examine that definition. An occurrence of events that happen to be...a total accident, really? As in, there is nothing that actually strung those events together in your life?
Let me step back a minute. After I had Jack, it may have been the first time in my life that I didn't feel like I could fully control every minute of my day. I could control their days (Grace & Jack), I could put food on the table and get the daily stuff done for the most part, but what I was sacrificing was me. I was exhausted. I started to forget things or have little mishaps because I was so tired and consumed with keeping up with everything else. For example, I loaded groceries in the car, put the kids in the car, and backed the car up right into the very shopping cart that I'd forgot to return. Or, how about closing your eyes for just a second while at a red light and oops, not pressing the brake hard enough and bumping the car in front of you. Yep. It happened. The people were extremely nice, no damage was done at all. I was truly not asleep but obviously was tired enough to not feel the slight movement. Yeesh. But then other things started to happen, little foresights...don't leave your camera there, it could fall. It's ok to let them sleep a little longer today- they need it. Whatever. Things that I wasn't thinking about would randomly pop in my head. I thought they might be little taps on the shoulder from God- just to help me out, a little reassuring backup here and there. That's all I credited it to. This lasted for years.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with and had Steven that I had to strongly reassess my faith in God. You can read a little about how I was feeling in this blog: What the hell is this all about? It was a tough time. I loved my kids and was doing my best to keep up. I wasn't thrilled with Trent, I missed my friends, I was sick of being away from family and I questioned deeply what the hell all of this was for anyway. Yes, it was my hardest and most emotional couple of years ever. But I also had to fully rely on myself- which I didn't want to do and soon wore myself out trying to do. Read the other blog post mentioned above for more details...but Trent was busy and I was on my own like it or not. I rocked it in everyone else's eyes but was flailing behind closed doors. I cried more tears than anyone knows and at the time, Trent couldn't take on my needs, not because he was a jackass (well maybe sometimes) but because he was so overwhelmed in his own pursuits at the time, growing his education and supporting our family financially. I needed his support but wasn't getting it. It crushed me.
It crushed every part of my soul.
In the dentist office one day, my hygienist, and also old friend, asked how we were doing. I literally hadn't even opened my mouth and the tears began to flow. I sobbed and told her it was terrible. She listened, validated all my hurt, and told me three things, to pray and that she would pray for me, and to watch the movie War Room. I'll save the movie blog for another post. I hugged her, totally embarrassed for my outburst but also full well knowing that God placed her there that day just for me.
I started praying. I did watch the movie and it only motivated me more. I told God everything. I told him EVERYTHING. I told him I knew my blessings and was so grateful. I confessed that I did want a fantastic marriage but that I didn't like my husband at all. I thanked him for all my babies and for helping me to protect and guide them and assured him I'd help him get them to adulthood as best I could. They are the reason I got up everyday and put on a smile. I told him I wanted my feelings and voice to be heard. That surely somehow they mattered and that they were important- whether I garnered a paycheck or not. Surely, someone could see me hurting but yet, I didn't have time to ask for help. I didn't have time to let my guard down because building it back up cost too much time and energy. Please God, I begged him to stay with me because I felt so, so alone and hurt. I questioned him about why he gave me such a passionate, emotional heart if it hurt so much. I'd rather be numb. But...I kept going. There was never a time that I wouldn't have kept going and the motivations were 75% my kids and 25% a desperate hope that the small light I saw in front of me was really there and that someday I would get through this.
I kept praying, everyday, all the time. I wanted signs that God was there. Coincidences would start happening that would be helpful in some way and I'd recognize them in hindsight. I could look back and say, "I knew that was going to happen" or "if I hadn't followed that thought, XXX would or wouldn't have happened". I still felt those were little helpful hints from God, but I needed more to keep me going. So, I worked harder at seeing those little messages or hints as they were happening in the present. Here is the first one that I 100% knew was God's way of saying "I hear you, you matter, keep going". It was loud- and it was crystal clear.
All 6 of us headed to Home Depot. Trent needed something inside the store and I wanted to grab a few flowers to put by our front door. Now, I'd been admiring my neighbors patch of snapdragons for years! I thought maybe they'd do well in my flowerbed, too. Inside my quiet mind, I put a note to look for snapdragons. I wanted to read their little tag so I'd know how much sun they needed and determine if they'd work for us. I didn't tell anyone about this thought...after all, I'd have only told Trent at the time and as previously mentioned- I didn't think he cared enough to hear it. My heart hurt, leave it at that. Trent took Will & Grace inside with him to get what he needed. I took my time unloading baby Steven into a stroller with that big, bulky car seat and kept Jack with me. We headed to look for flowers. I looked and looked and finally found 1 half-dead 6-pack of shriveled up snapdragons. And you guessed it, no info tag. I did an internal sigh and said, in my mind, to God, "see God, what is even the point". Honestly, none of this even surprised me, I felt like this was par for the course in life. It didn't matter what I wanted, was interested in, thought about...why did I even waste my time thinking about it. I perused the other flowers and decided we'd go find the others inside. As we walk through the sliding doors, I see them walking towards us, except Will- Will had a huge smile and was running towards me. Remember, at this time, Will was only 2 1/2 and he LOVED his mama big. I scooped him up and he said "mom, I found something you will love". He brings his little hand from behind his back and hands me this.....
I was dumbfounded. Tears welled in my eyes. There is no way anyone knew I was even thinking about snapdragons much less looking for a their info tag. The likelihood that he was walking through the inside of Home Depot, not even the garden department, and found not just a plant tag but THE plant tag I wanted to see....it was God. In that moment, God said "I know you wanted this, I heard you, you aren't alone, your thoughts matter, keep going". I cried, no one understood my tears because I didn't explain them. It didn't matter. From that moment on, I knew I wasn't alone. God was hearing me. He was with me.
I kept that little tag in my wallet for four and a half years and now it is framed and placed where I (and my family) see it everyday. That tag gave me a glimmer of hope...and little glimmers are all we need to keep going. I wasn't alone. None of us are ever alone.
Let me tell you about another one...
A couple of years later, the week after spring break, I went to put my wedding ring on. It wasn't on the little dish where I keep it in my bedroom, so I headed to the kitchen where it sometimes sits when I have a lot of dishes to do. It wasn't there. Hmmm. Back to my bedroom. Back to the kitchen. And the panic sets in. Where was it? I remembered banging it against the ice maker handle the week before because I checked to be sure all the diamonds were in place. I hadn't been anywhere really and I never take it off anywhere but home. I let my babysitters know to keep their eye out for it and if they found it in a strange place, let me know because I must have set it somewhere. I was very careful to never have it within reach of the kids. Trent handled it better than I thought. I assured him it would turn up. A year went by. Nothing. Now during this year, I'd fine tuned hearing God's voice. Both little things and big, and I was becoming an expert on recognizing "coincidences" that I no longer believed were accidents at all! And so one day, I'm walking through my bedroom and a picture popped onto the black screen in my head- my ring, on the left corner of a ledge covered with leaves, maybe outside by my hose. Now, this is strange for 2 reasons, 1- I would never take my ring off outside and 2- I wasn't even thinking about my ring! The pure fact that I wasn't thinking about it is my first clue that I didn't place that thought there, God did. I did a 180 and headed outside. I checked the window ledge by my hose reel. I thought "there's no way it would have stayed on this ledge for a year", so, I started moving the leaves around on the ground and even moving the dirt looking for my ring but no, it wasn't on the ground- in the picture- the message- it was on a ledge, covered up. I gave up. But I knew that the message was for a reason. I prayed about it. The next day, I decided to clean out my closet and boy did I, getting rid of clothes, tossing old papers, rearranging for hours. And then, I see a little piece of a ceiling light that I remembered I'd kept, in a safe place, so as not to lose it. It sat on the left front ledge of a shelf in my closet. I lifted it to dust underneath it and there sat my wedding rings, good as new. I was astonished. There they were, covered up on the left side of a ledge, just like I'd seen in my mind (minus the leaves and hose). I have no recollection of putting them there much less covering them with something. They fit, they sparkled, I texted Trent and my mom. And I thanked God 100 times. Was it coincidence that I'd just imagined something similar? No way.
So I leave you with this...you can be amazed at little coincidences that happen in the universe by accident...or you can start believing that nothing happens by accident. When you come across a coincidence, stop and recognize what it could mean. Thank God for a heads up, or a reminder, or a push to be aware. Maybe he's just reminding you that he's there, and that you're on the right track. Write them down, tell someone else. It's a trace of God's love, magic, that we can see every once in awhile. It was these little coincidences that gave me hope and I still see them today, all the time. If you read this, and you run into me, tell me your stories... and keep going! You are never alone 💓
Let me step back a minute. After I had Jack, it may have been the first time in my life that I didn't feel like I could fully control every minute of my day. I could control their days (Grace & Jack), I could put food on the table and get the daily stuff done for the most part, but what I was sacrificing was me. I was exhausted. I started to forget things or have little mishaps because I was so tired and consumed with keeping up with everything else. For example, I loaded groceries in the car, put the kids in the car, and backed the car up right into the very shopping cart that I'd forgot to return. Or, how about closing your eyes for just a second while at a red light and oops, not pressing the brake hard enough and bumping the car in front of you. Yep. It happened. The people were extremely nice, no damage was done at all. I was truly not asleep but obviously was tired enough to not feel the slight movement. Yeesh. But then other things started to happen, little foresights...don't leave your camera there, it could fall. It's ok to let them sleep a little longer today- they need it. Whatever. Things that I wasn't thinking about would randomly pop in my head. I thought they might be little taps on the shoulder from God- just to help me out, a little reassuring backup here and there. That's all I credited it to. This lasted for years.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with and had Steven that I had to strongly reassess my faith in God. You can read a little about how I was feeling in this blog: What the hell is this all about? It was a tough time. I loved my kids and was doing my best to keep up. I wasn't thrilled with Trent, I missed my friends, I was sick of being away from family and I questioned deeply what the hell all of this was for anyway. Yes, it was my hardest and most emotional couple of years ever. But I also had to fully rely on myself- which I didn't want to do and soon wore myself out trying to do. Read the other blog post mentioned above for more details...but Trent was busy and I was on my own like it or not. I rocked it in everyone else's eyes but was flailing behind closed doors. I cried more tears than anyone knows and at the time, Trent couldn't take on my needs, not because he was a jackass (well maybe sometimes) but because he was so overwhelmed in his own pursuits at the time, growing his education and supporting our family financially. I needed his support but wasn't getting it. It crushed me.
It crushed every part of my soul.
In the dentist office one day, my hygienist, and also old friend, asked how we were doing. I literally hadn't even opened my mouth and the tears began to flow. I sobbed and told her it was terrible. She listened, validated all my hurt, and told me three things, to pray and that she would pray for me, and to watch the movie War Room. I'll save the movie blog for another post. I hugged her, totally embarrassed for my outburst but also full well knowing that God placed her there that day just for me.
I started praying. I did watch the movie and it only motivated me more. I told God everything. I told him EVERYTHING. I told him I knew my blessings and was so grateful. I confessed that I did want a fantastic marriage but that I didn't like my husband at all. I thanked him for all my babies and for helping me to protect and guide them and assured him I'd help him get them to adulthood as best I could. They are the reason I got up everyday and put on a smile. I told him I wanted my feelings and voice to be heard. That surely somehow they mattered and that they were important- whether I garnered a paycheck or not. Surely, someone could see me hurting but yet, I didn't have time to ask for help. I didn't have time to let my guard down because building it back up cost too much time and energy. Please God, I begged him to stay with me because I felt so, so alone and hurt. I questioned him about why he gave me such a passionate, emotional heart if it hurt so much. I'd rather be numb. But...I kept going. There was never a time that I wouldn't have kept going and the motivations were 75% my kids and 25% a desperate hope that the small light I saw in front of me was really there and that someday I would get through this.
I kept praying, everyday, all the time. I wanted signs that God was there. Coincidences would start happening that would be helpful in some way and I'd recognize them in hindsight. I could look back and say, "I knew that was going to happen" or "if I hadn't followed that thought, XXX would or wouldn't have happened". I still felt those were little helpful hints from God, but I needed more to keep me going. So, I worked harder at seeing those little messages or hints as they were happening in the present. Here is the first one that I 100% knew was God's way of saying "I hear you, you matter, keep going". It was loud- and it was crystal clear.
All 6 of us headed to Home Depot. Trent needed something inside the store and I wanted to grab a few flowers to put by our front door. Now, I'd been admiring my neighbors patch of snapdragons for years! I thought maybe they'd do well in my flowerbed, too. Inside my quiet mind, I put a note to look for snapdragons. I wanted to read their little tag so I'd know how much sun they needed and determine if they'd work for us. I didn't tell anyone about this thought...after all, I'd have only told Trent at the time and as previously mentioned- I didn't think he cared enough to hear it. My heart hurt, leave it at that. Trent took Will & Grace inside with him to get what he needed. I took my time unloading baby Steven into a stroller with that big, bulky car seat and kept Jack with me. We headed to look for flowers. I looked and looked and finally found 1 half-dead 6-pack of shriveled up snapdragons. And you guessed it, no info tag. I did an internal sigh and said, in my mind, to God, "see God, what is even the point". Honestly, none of this even surprised me, I felt like this was par for the course in life. It didn't matter what I wanted, was interested in, thought about...why did I even waste my time thinking about it. I perused the other flowers and decided we'd go find the others inside. As we walk through the sliding doors, I see them walking towards us, except Will- Will had a huge smile and was running towards me. Remember, at this time, Will was only 2 1/2 and he LOVED his mama big. I scooped him up and he said "mom, I found something you will love". He brings his little hand from behind his back and hands me this.....
I was dumbfounded. Tears welled in my eyes. There is no way anyone knew I was even thinking about snapdragons much less looking for a their info tag. The likelihood that he was walking through the inside of Home Depot, not even the garden department, and found not just a plant tag but THE plant tag I wanted to see....it was God. In that moment, God said "I know you wanted this, I heard you, you aren't alone, your thoughts matter, keep going". I cried, no one understood my tears because I didn't explain them. It didn't matter. From that moment on, I knew I wasn't alone. God was hearing me. He was with me.
I kept that little tag in my wallet for four and a half years and now it is framed and placed where I (and my family) see it everyday. That tag gave me a glimmer of hope...and little glimmers are all we need to keep going. I wasn't alone. None of us are ever alone.
Let me tell you about another one...
A couple of years later, the week after spring break, I went to put my wedding ring on. It wasn't on the little dish where I keep it in my bedroom, so I headed to the kitchen where it sometimes sits when I have a lot of dishes to do. It wasn't there. Hmmm. Back to my bedroom. Back to the kitchen. And the panic sets in. Where was it? I remembered banging it against the ice maker handle the week before because I checked to be sure all the diamonds were in place. I hadn't been anywhere really and I never take it off anywhere but home. I let my babysitters know to keep their eye out for it and if they found it in a strange place, let me know because I must have set it somewhere. I was very careful to never have it within reach of the kids. Trent handled it better than I thought. I assured him it would turn up. A year went by. Nothing. Now during this year, I'd fine tuned hearing God's voice. Both little things and big, and I was becoming an expert on recognizing "coincidences" that I no longer believed were accidents at all! And so one day, I'm walking through my bedroom and a picture popped onto the black screen in my head- my ring, on the left corner of a ledge covered with leaves, maybe outside by my hose. Now, this is strange for 2 reasons, 1- I would never take my ring off outside and 2- I wasn't even thinking about my ring! The pure fact that I wasn't thinking about it is my first clue that I didn't place that thought there, God did. I did a 180 and headed outside. I checked the window ledge by my hose reel. I thought "there's no way it would have stayed on this ledge for a year", so, I started moving the leaves around on the ground and even moving the dirt looking for my ring but no, it wasn't on the ground- in the picture- the message- it was on a ledge, covered up. I gave up. But I knew that the message was for a reason. I prayed about it. The next day, I decided to clean out my closet and boy did I, getting rid of clothes, tossing old papers, rearranging for hours. And then, I see a little piece of a ceiling light that I remembered I'd kept, in a safe place, so as not to lose it. It sat on the left front ledge of a shelf in my closet. I lifted it to dust underneath it and there sat my wedding rings, good as new. I was astonished. There they were, covered up on the left side of a ledge, just like I'd seen in my mind (minus the leaves and hose). I have no recollection of putting them there much less covering them with something. They fit, they sparkled, I texted Trent and my mom. And I thanked God 100 times. Was it coincidence that I'd just imagined something similar? No way.
So I leave you with this...you can be amazed at little coincidences that happen in the universe by accident...or you can start believing that nothing happens by accident. When you come across a coincidence, stop and recognize what it could mean. Thank God for a heads up, or a reminder, or a push to be aware. Maybe he's just reminding you that he's there, and that you're on the right track. Write them down, tell someone else. It's a trace of God's love, magic, that we can see every once in awhile. It was these little coincidences that gave me hope and I still see them today, all the time. If you read this, and you run into me, tell me your stories... and keep going! You are never alone 💓
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
PTO
It was roughly November of 2016, I helped a lot at the school but had so much on my plate at home. And coached soccer, and girl scout leader, and kids, and pets, and room mom at both schools, and auction chair........and one day, my friend Allyson stops me in the hallway of the gym, away from where others can hear, and says in so many words: that she's been praying and is going to accept the job of PTO president for the next term but that she doesn't want to do it without me as her V.P. pause. jaw drops but not really, only in my mind it does. Has she lost her mind? I tell her nearly as much and that I'll have to think about it. She says ok. And casually asks me about it a few days later. And then Timothy (her husband) puts in a word about this, "Allyson really wants you to do this with her, I know it'd mean a lot to her". Pressure. I want to but how much more can I fit on my calendar. I mean let's be real. So, you know what I did, I said yes, of course. sigh. I was excited, but knew I was crazy. Lucky thing is, she's crazier!
We worked our tail feathers off, I mean we worked hard. on the daily. Sweet Steven napping in strollers, wagons, and even classroom floors. Food to go, Facebook Live, pep rallies here and fundraisers there...we worked HARD, really hard. With a phenomenal team of other women. It was fun but exhausting. But through it all I always had this thought, and I only told it to Allyson one time, because it could seem a bit precocious. I told her that we were going to change this school, and after that- the church. I never saw how this was possible as I don't even ever go to church. But, I felt that, and my sense was it included her. My intuitions aren't wrong very often lately. I may never understand the plan, but I'm aware enough to hear the call these days. We believed so greatly in bringing joy and family and faith to the school spirit in all we did. We worked so hard. The school was going through a hard time, losing dozens of families, teacher and principal turnover, a negative undertone to everything. It wore on us and our tireless efforts. By the end of our year, we were majorly done. We needed to step back, real far back, as in throw away the volunteer sheet the next time it came out. No I won't help. Not a smidge. And I didn't for awhile and that was good.
But in the ways of reality, about 8 months later, our school found itself in a lot of continued turmoil. The whole PTO had resigned, the principal was weeks away from being under investigation (though she didn't know that yet) and we were just sitting back watching, wondering what was the future of our school. And Lisa Cooper called. The new, snazzy, marketing and communications lady. Long story short, sort of, she asked Allyson and I to step back into PTO to revive it. We nearly laughed at her, said no, no way, no, no, no. We went home that day and told our husbands- they both said NO, hell no, absolutely no way. We agreed. It's nice to be thought of for this but we did our time, it wore us out and we were recuperating still. Oh and we were heading up the room moms of the school in our rest period, eye roll because we don't really know how to rest. But anyway.The end. No. Thanks though.
So, on Friday, sometime at the beginning of the school year, I'm scrolling Facebook and I look up to help Steven with something, and a video starts playing on my news feed. Now, I don't watch videos on the news feed, never, even if you tag me in it...I'm not watching it. I mean, who has time to watch those anyway? Not me. But Pastor Mike was talking to me, I mean to. me. I scrolled up to see who shared this...no one, it was an ad I guess. So, I kept watching...and listening...and then I started it over and watched it again....I had chills. God was right there on Facebook, using Pastor Mike's words to speak directly to me. I must have watched it 4 times. I even put it on in the car while taking Steven to school. He watched it too. You know what Pastor Mike said....click the link below....just do, only a few minutes...the rest of my post won't make sense if you don't...
WATCH PASTOR MIKE!!!
Not lying, I just stopped and watched it again right now before I kept writing. So, when I returned home from taking Steven to school, I watched it again....and thought Oh My God. I have to do this. I have to do this job. I have to go back to PTO. Not because its about me, its because I am needed, my gifts, whatever, God is telling me that he's got this, but through me. I have to do my part. Only his way, with him in the lead. I texted the video to Allyson, because obvi she has to do it with me. She is out of town at a conference and I tell her to watch it. It's speaking to me. I want her thoughts.
Fast forward>pick Steven up>watch it in the car on the way home> feed Stevie lunch>he falls asleep>I watch it again and God sends me my info, the answer to my question: is this really you God? Am I supposed to do this? The download starts, I've described it before. It's like my mind goes black and words, in white, are typing across the screen line after line. I almost read them like a book only its all in my mind and faster than anything else I could imagine. Only now, I recognize this, I know this is God speaking directly to me and I'm ready. I grab my phone and am texting Allyson as fast as my fingers will type, crying, listening, reading, understanding, in awe, .... you have never see a text message this long but when God speaks, by golly, you better get that written down!!!
This is what I wrote to her:
I can’t wait to hear about your conference! I also can’t wait to talk to you but only after you read and think and pray about all that’s about to spill out of my heart. God has spoken to me all day...like won’t leave me alone. I have to do it Allyson. I have to go back to that job that I’m pushing away from. We started our job and worked as hard as we knew how. But I see it now, we aren’t doing it our way anymore...we have to do it his way and with the priorities and other jobs in our life in place. He has shown us over these last 8 months all that is important to us again or even new things. He’s already put new plans in place, some that we don’t even recognize yet. I’ve placed more value on the little things in life, in everyday greatness that’s right in front of me. I’ve made new plans and goals for my family, as have you. You are teaching and learning and leading people to a better life! You are guiding a middle schooler, and ACTS. I’ve learned to stand up strong for what’s right and question what doesn’t seem right because we have a dream and vision of how life could be. I support sick family members from afar and keep pushing myself to believe that life can be as great and full of love and kindness and grace as I imagine. He put all that back in our hearts over these last 8 months...and not just to put it aside. That’s not it. You see, we didn’t apply again for this. We didn’t use connections or pull rank from anywhere to keep these changes going at our school. He has called for us...he is calling us. Lisa doesn’t know us...it’s not her calling us. It’s him, through her. He told me Allyson, today, I heard it...my family will not take a backseat this time, your husband will not be expected to be there bc you are, Steven will not live up there, I will be at St. Paul’s chapel every time we want to be. We will not fill every gap...the gaps are there and that’s not for us...he will provide all that is needed. You will still lead people in classes all over shreveport. We know we can’t leave those things. I refuse to.
But...we have been called for. I can’t leave the teachers that are quietly fighting to keep it going, the parents who are holding on by a string and need to see that there are people that believe in our school and what it stands for and that we are willing to stand up again when the school keeps getting knocked down. If nothing more than a face to count on that’s familiar, to run a procedural meeting, to smile at carpool and reassure. To say...we can’t this year about some things, and call others to do things because they can, we can guide them...it’s not our job to do them all again. It’s not. I know it with all of myself today. Tears are streaming down my face bc I am sure. I still don’t really want to, but I know it’s what is needed of me. We have the gifts that God put inside of us decades ago. We have the answer or at least part of it to this problem. And so now I’ll reverse the question to you: I feel strongly in my heart that I have to do this but I won’t do it without you. We will do it only with guidance from God and no one else. We won’t let ourselves be talked into or convinced or guilted or persuaded. Because God will provide this path with all we need to raise our family’s up with us. You inspire me all the time Allyson. We can do this. Don’t even respond. Pray about it. If you can’t get your mind around it , I understand completely. I’m so proud to have you as a friend and I mean that. I’m so proud of all we’ve done together. We aren’t through yet, I knew that before we ever started. Oh. My. God. Allyson.
This is flooding my heart as I write
i know you remember my feeling that we would work our way through the
school and then the church. But have we ever discussed my conversation
with God about the church. God is unbelievable!
Allyson, my heart is exploding right now. I prayed so hard many years ago about the guilt I had because we don’t regularly attend mass. I wondered why can I leave St. Paul’s chapel or events so filled with love and joy and happiness that I know overflows to all the families there and into their surrounding lives. My answer was clear one day: because God’s church is not a building, it’s not a formal service. It’s a group of people that praise him, glorify him, and spread his love and word. He reminded me that if I drew that from there, it was him that I saw there. That was my church, the well that kept my heart full. Allyson, we are building his church.
Allyson, we are building the people’s spirits, their ability to see God
and love and perseverance to find joy, and create joy, and to send
people home with joy. When that takes root, our school's name will be
attached to that. We will not be credited with that because it is all
behind the scenes but I now see it. We are building him a church of
people. It is so much bigger than us and all we have to do is our part
and he will lead us. 
🏼 Allyson, if this speaks to you at all, please do this with me. We are a team and we can do this 
🏻
Now, the emojis are a little off in text translation...but do you see!!! I had to go back. I had to be humble, and strong, and say yes, and dig in deeper to the belief that I wasn't doing this for me...that's what I thought the first time I did PTO. I was doing it help my kids at their school. Wrong. It was never about me or us. Maybe in part, but it was about what gifts I had and what the school needed from me. And God needed me to play that part again. And when God calls, and you answer that call- remember, free will, I didn't have to say yes- but when you follow his lead...things fall into place. And boy have they ever. That is another blog post. So, my send off is this, build his church, wherever you are, and when you are called to do something, and you really don't want to but know you should...know that only good can come of that. Trust, have faith...just try. It's always worth the hard work. Opportunity is always waiting but never where we think it will be. Keep living and serving and modeling God's ways...you can't go wrong with that!
We worked our tail feathers off, I mean we worked hard. on the daily. Sweet Steven napping in strollers, wagons, and even classroom floors. Food to go, Facebook Live, pep rallies here and fundraisers there...we worked HARD, really hard. With a phenomenal team of other women. It was fun but exhausting. But through it all I always had this thought, and I only told it to Allyson one time, because it could seem a bit precocious. I told her that we were going to change this school, and after that- the church. I never saw how this was possible as I don't even ever go to church. But, I felt that, and my sense was it included her. My intuitions aren't wrong very often lately. I may never understand the plan, but I'm aware enough to hear the call these days. We believed so greatly in bringing joy and family and faith to the school spirit in all we did. We worked so hard. The school was going through a hard time, losing dozens of families, teacher and principal turnover, a negative undertone to everything. It wore on us and our tireless efforts. By the end of our year, we were majorly done. We needed to step back, real far back, as in throw away the volunteer sheet the next time it came out. No I won't help. Not a smidge. And I didn't for awhile and that was good.
But in the ways of reality, about 8 months later, our school found itself in a lot of continued turmoil. The whole PTO had resigned, the principal was weeks away from being under investigation (though she didn't know that yet) and we were just sitting back watching, wondering what was the future of our school. And Lisa Cooper called. The new, snazzy, marketing and communications lady. Long story short, sort of, she asked Allyson and I to step back into PTO to revive it. We nearly laughed at her, said no, no way, no, no, no. We went home that day and told our husbands- they both said NO, hell no, absolutely no way. We agreed. It's nice to be thought of for this but we did our time, it wore us out and we were recuperating still. Oh and we were heading up the room moms of the school in our rest period, eye roll because we don't really know how to rest. But anyway.The end. No. Thanks though.
So, on Friday, sometime at the beginning of the school year, I'm scrolling Facebook and I look up to help Steven with something, and a video starts playing on my news feed. Now, I don't watch videos on the news feed, never, even if you tag me in it...I'm not watching it. I mean, who has time to watch those anyway? Not me. But Pastor Mike was talking to me, I mean to. me. I scrolled up to see who shared this...no one, it was an ad I guess. So, I kept watching...and listening...and then I started it over and watched it again....I had chills. God was right there on Facebook, using Pastor Mike's words to speak directly to me. I must have watched it 4 times. I even put it on in the car while taking Steven to school. He watched it too. You know what Pastor Mike said....click the link below....just do, only a few minutes...the rest of my post won't make sense if you don't...
WATCH PASTOR MIKE!!!
Not lying, I just stopped and watched it again right now before I kept writing. So, when I returned home from taking Steven to school, I watched it again....and thought Oh My God. I have to do this. I have to do this job. I have to go back to PTO. Not because its about me, its because I am needed, my gifts, whatever, God is telling me that he's got this, but through me. I have to do my part. Only his way, with him in the lead. I texted the video to Allyson, because obvi she has to do it with me. She is out of town at a conference and I tell her to watch it. It's speaking to me. I want her thoughts.
Fast forward>pick Steven up>watch it in the car on the way home> feed Stevie lunch>he falls asleep>I watch it again and God sends me my info, the answer to my question: is this really you God? Am I supposed to do this? The download starts, I've described it before. It's like my mind goes black and words, in white, are typing across the screen line after line. I almost read them like a book only its all in my mind and faster than anything else I could imagine. Only now, I recognize this, I know this is God speaking directly to me and I'm ready. I grab my phone and am texting Allyson as fast as my fingers will type, crying, listening, reading, understanding, in awe, .... you have never see a text message this long but when God speaks, by golly, you better get that written down!!!
This is what I wrote to her:
I can’t wait to hear about your conference! I also can’t wait to talk to you but only after you read and think and pray about all that’s about to spill out of my heart. God has spoken to me all day...like won’t leave me alone. I have to do it Allyson. I have to go back to that job that I’m pushing away from. We started our job and worked as hard as we knew how. But I see it now, we aren’t doing it our way anymore...we have to do it his way and with the priorities and other jobs in our life in place. He has shown us over these last 8 months all that is important to us again or even new things. He’s already put new plans in place, some that we don’t even recognize yet. I’ve placed more value on the little things in life, in everyday greatness that’s right in front of me. I’ve made new plans and goals for my family, as have you. You are teaching and learning and leading people to a better life! You are guiding a middle schooler, and ACTS. I’ve learned to stand up strong for what’s right and question what doesn’t seem right because we have a dream and vision of how life could be. I support sick family members from afar and keep pushing myself to believe that life can be as great and full of love and kindness and grace as I imagine. He put all that back in our hearts over these last 8 months...and not just to put it aside. That’s not it. You see, we didn’t apply again for this. We didn’t use connections or pull rank from anywhere to keep these changes going at our school. He has called for us...he is calling us. Lisa doesn’t know us...it’s not her calling us. It’s him, through her. He told me Allyson, today, I heard it...my family will not take a backseat this time, your husband will not be expected to be there bc you are, Steven will not live up there, I will be at St. Paul’s chapel every time we want to be. We will not fill every gap...the gaps are there and that’s not for us...he will provide all that is needed. You will still lead people in classes all over shreveport. We know we can’t leave those things. I refuse to.
But...we have been called for. I can’t leave the teachers that are quietly fighting to keep it going, the parents who are holding on by a string and need to see that there are people that believe in our school and what it stands for and that we are willing to stand up again when the school keeps getting knocked down. If nothing more than a face to count on that’s familiar, to run a procedural meeting, to smile at carpool and reassure. To say...we can’t this year about some things, and call others to do things because they can, we can guide them...it’s not our job to do them all again. It’s not. I know it with all of myself today. Tears are streaming down my face bc I am sure. I still don’t really want to, but I know it’s what is needed of me. We have the gifts that God put inside of us decades ago. We have the answer or at least part of it to this problem. And so now I’ll reverse the question to you: I feel strongly in my heart that I have to do this but I won’t do it without you. We will do it only with guidance from God and no one else. We won’t let ourselves be talked into or convinced or guilted or persuaded. Because God will provide this path with all we need to raise our family’s up with us. You inspire me all the time Allyson. We can do this. Don’t even respond. Pray about it. If you can’t get your mind around it , I understand completely. I’m so proud to have you as a friend and I mean that. I’m so proud of all we’ve done together. We aren’t through yet, I knew that before we ever started. Oh. My. God. Allyson.
This is flooding my heart as I write
Allyson, my heart is exploding right now. I prayed so hard many years ago about the guilt I had because we don’t regularly attend mass. I wondered why can I leave St. Paul’s chapel or events so filled with love and joy and happiness that I know overflows to all the families there and into their surrounding lives. My answer was clear one day: because God’s church is not a building, it’s not a formal service. It’s a group of people that praise him, glorify him, and spread his love and word. He reminded me that if I drew that from there, it was him that I saw there. That was my church, the well that kept my heart full. Allyson, we are building his church.
Now, the emojis are a little off in text translation...but do you see!!! I had to go back. I had to be humble, and strong, and say yes, and dig in deeper to the belief that I wasn't doing this for me...that's what I thought the first time I did PTO. I was doing it help my kids at their school. Wrong. It was never about me or us. Maybe in part, but it was about what gifts I had and what the school needed from me. And God needed me to play that part again. And when God calls, and you answer that call- remember, free will, I didn't have to say yes- but when you follow his lead...things fall into place. And boy have they ever. That is another blog post. So, my send off is this, build his church, wherever you are, and when you are called to do something, and you really don't want to but know you should...know that only good can come of that. Trust, have faith...just try. It's always worth the hard work. Opportunity is always waiting but never where we think it will be. Keep living and serving and modeling God's ways...you can't go wrong with that!
Monday, September 17, 2018
What is a church?
Several years ago, amidst much prayer about my purpose, I really started to hear God. Like, really. Clearly. So, I started to ask God more questions...things that were heavy on my heart. For example, I don't go to church very often and so in turn, neither does my family. This is TERRIBLE, the guilt ways heavy. My mom took 4 kids to church, people around us get up and go...we don't. It started when Steven was a newborn, Trent was in school and working all the time, and Sunday mornings were our only time home, together...church did not win, family time did. But now Steven is 4, and we still aren't back in the habit. Guilt. So I told God, I'm sorry. But more importantly, I questioned him this: Why do I go to church and struggle to keep kids quiet or entertained and in turn get nothing spiritually out of attending...but I can go to the 15 minute chapel service at the most magical preschool on earth and feel so full at heart and open to seeing the joy in the world all around? I love the people I've met because of that school, the families so willing to serve, to give, to support the school and each other. That place is a major blessing to hundreds of families.
Yes, I told God all of that. I'd rather go to preschool chapel vs take my kids to mass on Sunday. Sorry God but its true. And then, one day, in true Marietta::God fashion, I had an instant download in my brain, words being laid out in my brain faster than I could think them, and they answered my question. You see, says God, church is not a building...its a group of people, that gathers together as believers in Christ, to praise and thank God, to question God, to come to know God and model his presence through our own actions in the community around us. God continued: You ARE going to church. The reason your heart fills so full at that school and with those people is because that is a church of people. OMG he's right! Those families, teachers, staff, kids are amazing people, living out his teachings as best they all can and I learn from them and feel full of heart because of them. And so because of that...I take that love and energy into my part of the world, with other people and keep spreading that overflow of love. Wow! just wow. Church is people not a building. Of course it is! Why didn't I think of that?!
But then...
He says....sometimes, the reason you need to go to church, is not because you need something, but because you have something to give, something other people are gathering in that building looking for.
I am lucky enough to be part of an amazing church, the people of St. Paul's Day School. I didn't feel the need to go to mass at our parish because I wasn't drawing from it spiritually...but in true life's fashion...its not about you (me). I need to go to mass when I'm led to do so because someone else is showing up at mass looking for the exact thing I'm getting from somewhere else. Maybe I can bring that to them. Just maybe.
So you wonder now how mass has been since my great revelation...I haven't gone. Its true. This is free will, God gives us the information or leads us down the path but we have to live our life along the way. But, I have gone to chapel. I do continue to draw from that, fill my heart, and then give it away to others. It is beautiful. It is sustaining. I have only one more year with a student there but I will never leave that church, those people, we are tied together. So to you, I say, where is your church, not the building, the people? It may not be a building, and that's ok. God knows this, he likely set that all up for you. So soak up his love through them, let it build you up and then take that joy and go give it away to everyone you can find. It is what life is all about. Love.
Yes, I told God all of that. I'd rather go to preschool chapel vs take my kids to mass on Sunday. Sorry God but its true. And then, one day, in true Marietta::God fashion, I had an instant download in my brain, words being laid out in my brain faster than I could think them, and they answered my question. You see, says God, church is not a building...its a group of people, that gathers together as believers in Christ, to praise and thank God, to question God, to come to know God and model his presence through our own actions in the community around us. God continued: You ARE going to church. The reason your heart fills so full at that school and with those people is because that is a church of people. OMG he's right! Those families, teachers, staff, kids are amazing people, living out his teachings as best they all can and I learn from them and feel full of heart because of them. And so because of that...I take that love and energy into my part of the world, with other people and keep spreading that overflow of love. Wow! just wow. Church is people not a building. Of course it is! Why didn't I think of that?!
But then...
He says....sometimes, the reason you need to go to church, is not because you need something, but because you have something to give, something other people are gathering in that building looking for.
I am lucky enough to be part of an amazing church, the people of St. Paul's Day School. I didn't feel the need to go to mass at our parish because I wasn't drawing from it spiritually...but in true life's fashion...its not about you (me). I need to go to mass when I'm led to do so because someone else is showing up at mass looking for the exact thing I'm getting from somewhere else. Maybe I can bring that to them. Just maybe.
So you wonder now how mass has been since my great revelation...I haven't gone. Its true. This is free will, God gives us the information or leads us down the path but we have to live our life along the way. But, I have gone to chapel. I do continue to draw from that, fill my heart, and then give it away to others. It is beautiful. It is sustaining. I have only one more year with a student there but I will never leave that church, those people, we are tied together. So to you, I say, where is your church, not the building, the people? It may not be a building, and that's ok. God knows this, he likely set that all up for you. So soak up his love through them, let it build you up and then take that joy and go give it away to everyone you can find. It is what life is all about. Love.
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