Let me step back a minute. After I had Jack, it may have been the first time in my life that I didn't feel like I could fully control every minute of my day. I could control their days (Grace & Jack), I could put food on the table and get the daily stuff done for the most part, but what I was sacrificing was me. I was exhausted. I started to forget things or have little mishaps because I was so tired and consumed with keeping up with everything else. For example, I loaded groceries in the car, put the kids in the car, and backed the car up right into the very shopping cart that I'd forgot to return. Or, how about closing your eyes for just a second while at a red light and oops, not pressing the brake hard enough and bumping the car in front of you. Yep. It happened. The people were extremely nice, no damage was done at all. I was truly not asleep but obviously was tired enough to not feel the slight movement. Yeesh. But then other things started to happen, little foresights...don't leave your camera there, it could fall. It's ok to let them sleep a little longer today- they need it. Whatever. Things that I wasn't thinking about would randomly pop in my head. I thought they might be little taps on the shoulder from God- just to help me out, a little reassuring backup here and there. That's all I credited it to. This lasted for years.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with and had Steven that I had to strongly reassess my faith in God. You can read a little about how I was feeling in this blog: What the hell is this all about? It was a tough time. I loved my kids and was doing my best to keep up. I wasn't thrilled with Trent, I missed my friends, I was sick of being away from family and I questioned deeply what the hell all of this was for anyway. Yes, it was my hardest and most emotional couple of years ever. But I also had to fully rely on myself- which I didn't want to do and soon wore myself out trying to do. Read the other blog post mentioned above for more details...but Trent was busy and I was on my own like it or not. I rocked it in everyone else's eyes but was flailing behind closed doors. I cried more tears than anyone knows and at the time, Trent couldn't take on my needs, not because he was a jackass (well maybe sometimes) but because he was so overwhelmed in his own pursuits at the time, growing his education and supporting our family financially. I needed his support but wasn't getting it. It crushed me.
It crushed every part of my soul.
In the dentist office one day, my hygienist, and also old friend, asked how we were doing. I literally hadn't even opened my mouth and the tears began to flow. I sobbed and told her it was terrible. She listened, validated all my hurt, and told me three things, to pray and that she would pray for me, and to watch the movie War Room. I'll save the movie blog for another post. I hugged her, totally embarrassed for my outburst but also full well knowing that God placed her there that day just for me.
I started praying. I did watch the movie and it only motivated me more. I told God everything. I told him EVERYTHING. I told him I knew my blessings and was so grateful. I confessed that I did want a fantastic marriage but that I didn't like my husband at all. I thanked him for all my babies and for helping me to protect and guide them and assured him I'd help him get them to adulthood as best I could. They are the reason I got up everyday and put on a smile. I told him I wanted my feelings and voice to be heard. That surely somehow they mattered and that they were important- whether I garnered a paycheck or not. Surely, someone could see me hurting but yet, I didn't have time to ask for help. I didn't have time to let my guard down because building it back up cost too much time and energy. Please God, I begged him to stay with me because I felt so, so alone and hurt. I questioned him about why he gave me such a passionate, emotional heart if it hurt so much. I'd rather be numb. But...I kept going. There was never a time that I wouldn't have kept going and the motivations were 75% my kids and 25% a desperate hope that the small light I saw in front of me was really there and that someday I would get through this.
I kept praying, everyday, all the time. I wanted signs that God was there. Coincidences would start happening that would be helpful in some way and I'd recognize them in hindsight. I could look back and say, "I knew that was going to happen" or "if I hadn't followed that thought, XXX would or wouldn't have happened". I still felt those were little helpful hints from God, but I needed more to keep me going. So, I worked harder at seeing those little messages or hints as they were happening in the present. Here is the first one that I 100% knew was God's way of saying "I hear you, you matter, keep going". It was loud- and it was crystal clear.
All 6 of us headed to Home Depot. Trent needed something inside the store and I wanted to grab a few flowers to put by our front door. Now, I'd been admiring my neighbors patch of snapdragons for years! I thought maybe they'd do well in my flowerbed, too. Inside my quiet mind, I put a note to look for snapdragons. I wanted to read their little tag so I'd know how much sun they needed and determine if they'd work for us. I didn't tell anyone about this thought...after all, I'd have only told Trent at the time and as previously mentioned- I didn't think he cared enough to hear it. My heart hurt, leave it at that. Trent took Will & Grace inside with him to get what he needed. I took my time unloading baby Steven into a stroller with that big, bulky car seat and kept Jack with me. We headed to look for flowers. I looked and looked and finally found 1 half-dead 6-pack of shriveled up snapdragons. And you guessed it, no info tag. I did an internal sigh and said, in my mind, to God, "see God, what is even the point". Honestly, none of this even surprised me, I felt like this was par for the course in life. It didn't matter what I wanted, was interested in, thought about...why did I even waste my time thinking about it. I perused the other flowers and decided we'd go find the others inside. As we walk through the sliding doors, I see them walking towards us, except Will- Will had a huge smile and was running towards me. Remember, at this time, Will was only 2 1/2 and he LOVED his mama big. I scooped him up and he said "mom, I found something you will love". He brings his little hand from behind his back and hands me this.....
I was dumbfounded. Tears welled in my eyes. There is no way anyone knew I was even thinking about snapdragons much less looking for a their info tag. The likelihood that he was walking through the inside of Home Depot, not even the garden department, and found not just a plant tag but THE plant tag I wanted to see....it was God. In that moment, God said "I know you wanted this, I heard you, you aren't alone, your thoughts matter, keep going". I cried, no one understood my tears because I didn't explain them. It didn't matter. From that moment on, I knew I wasn't alone. God was hearing me. He was with me.
I kept that little tag in my wallet for four and a half years and now it is framed and placed where I (and my family) see it everyday. That tag gave me a glimmer of hope...and little glimmers are all we need to keep going. I wasn't alone. None of us are ever alone.
Let me tell you about another one...
A couple of years later, the week after spring break, I went to put my wedding ring on. It wasn't on the little dish where I keep it in my bedroom, so I headed to the kitchen where it sometimes sits when I have a lot of dishes to do. It wasn't there. Hmmm. Back to my bedroom. Back to the kitchen. And the panic sets in. Where was it? I remembered banging it against the ice maker handle the week before because I checked to be sure all the diamonds were in place. I hadn't been anywhere really and I never take it off anywhere but home. I let my babysitters know to keep their eye out for it and if they found it in a strange place, let me know because I must have set it somewhere. I was very careful to never have it within reach of the kids. Trent handled it better than I thought. I assured him it would turn up. A year went by. Nothing. Now during this year, I'd fine tuned hearing God's voice. Both little things and big, and I was becoming an expert on recognizing "coincidences" that I no longer believed were accidents at all! And so one day, I'm walking through my bedroom and a picture popped onto the black screen in my head- my ring, on the left corner of a ledge covered with leaves, maybe outside by my hose. Now, this is strange for 2 reasons, 1- I would never take my ring off outside and 2- I wasn't even thinking about my ring! The pure fact that I wasn't thinking about it is my first clue that I didn't place that thought there, God did. I did a 180 and headed outside. I checked the window ledge by my hose reel. I thought "there's no way it would have stayed on this ledge for a year", so, I started moving the leaves around on the ground and even moving the dirt looking for my ring but no, it wasn't on the ground- in the picture- the message- it was on a ledge, covered up. I gave up. But I knew that the message was for a reason. I prayed about it. The next day, I decided to clean out my closet and boy did I, getting rid of clothes, tossing old papers, rearranging for hours. And then, I see a little piece of a ceiling light that I remembered I'd kept, in a safe place, so as not to lose it. It sat on the left front ledge of a shelf in my closet. I lifted it to dust underneath it and there sat my wedding rings, good as new. I was astonished. There they were, covered up on the left side of a ledge, just like I'd seen in my mind (minus the leaves and hose). I have no recollection of putting them there much less covering them with something. They fit, they sparkled, I texted Trent and my mom. And I thanked God 100 times. Was it coincidence that I'd just imagined something similar? No way.
So I leave you with this...you can be amazed at little coincidences that happen in the universe by accident...or you can start believing that nothing happens by accident. When you come across a coincidence, stop and recognize what it could mean. Thank God for a heads up, or a reminder, or a push to be aware. Maybe he's just reminding you that he's there, and that you're on the right track. Write them down, tell someone else. It's a trace of God's love, magic, that we can see every once in awhile. It was these little coincidences that gave me hope and I still see them today, all the time. If you read this, and you run into me, tell me your stories... and keep going! You are never alone 💓
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