Is she crazy you ask? Yes, I am. I am crazy about my job...and mixed with a genetic dose of "its better when I'm in complete control all the time" it adds up to stress when I have to take days off. And when do I take days "off"....oh, you know, when you saunter up to the local hospital to deliver a baby and lay around for a day or two.....pre-vacation anxiety creeps in when I'm not looking.
Don't be offended, or judge my craziness, I can't help it. As with all things in life, there is always a balancing act, a check and balance system, and I guess that's good. See here....
All moms know, that everyday is a balancing act of 1053 tasks, only 224 of which will be completed. Priorities shift, triaging occurs, and we make our way through the days, adding whimsy, finding joy, and checking things off our list. Part of being a mom is pregnancy...enough said. Now as if pregnancy is not amazing enough, you get close to the end of one of those 9 month spells and your Mom superpowers are unleashed! You don't realize that the superpowers are upon you until you notice that some of the tasks that are always at the end of your list of 1053 things-to-do now seem crucially important to complete...and besides them driving you crazy...you actually complete them! Then you stop and think about it, wait, looking back, you say, I've been knocking out 487 of the 1053 daily tasks per day! Thats a 100% increase and wait for it....I want to do more, this is AMAZING!!! Oh my God! Nesting is upon me. Nesting is FANTASTIC, its the best, it is instinctual, fun, fulfilling...ahhh, so short lived but so enjoyable while its around.
Flip side....
Recent days= dreamily dressing the bassinet (even ironing the bassinet skirt, I don't iron. ever.), preparing the other crib, washing loads of tiny clothes. Can't wait to see this sweet baby boy and hold him close....and as I lay on the couch at the end of a day watching Treehouse Masters...I think "wait, who is going to pop out of bed at 5:45 a.m. to keep Jack from unintentionally waking his siblings, get him a snack, smile, be glad he's up and be ready to "play" or at least facilitate play because after all...he's happy to be up, a full night's rest, ready for a great day". Oh my gosh, is this the best time of my day, 5:45 a.m.? Ummm, no. But it is his. He's sweet, calmish, and well ready to hit the ground running. I can't stifle his excitement and smile and readiness for the new day God gave him just because I'm tired...that never seemed right...so I get up to my sweet 4 year old alarm clock, and get the day started......that's what Mom's do. I am rewarded by his happiness, knowing that his early morning-ness will someday serve him well, and I'm slightly envious that I don't have that attribute!
Now wait, if I was already at the hospital before he went to bed...who locked all the deadbolts on the doors? Not necessarily out of my fear of an intruder am I concerned with more than the little doorknob lock (though that is a strong motivator), its my fear of the little curious minds that know how to unlock those easy doorknob locks when searching for me, or their dad, or because they want to touch the frost on the ground, or feel if its cold, or whatever....enter the #1 reason I (or rather, Trent) pays the alarm bill every month...,,,the glorious door chime. The noise I once considered annoying is now a fabulous little trigger to the brain that curiousity is at its peak in someone's mind and I need to be on top of that, pronto.... So, are the deadbolts locked?...because, well, I can hear Jack flip the light switch on to go to the bathroom at 5:44 before he comes to get me 1 minute later, but did whoever is staying with him hear that? And meanwhile I am lounging aside a nurses station being sure they have my discharge papers ready for exactly 24 hours to the minute from the time my baby is born? Don't they realize I have a job to get back to? Now back to Jack, if someone didn't hear him wake up, but the deadbolts are locked, at least I know he can't get out without grown up supervision....and...
OMG, stop! I say to myself, stop. He will be ok, right? He will, won't he? I could do a home birth or Trent could just drop me off at the hospital and head back home to take my position for a day (he's pretty good at it)...no, stop.
Wait, light bulb moment, oh my gosh, I remember doing this before! I remember doing it when I was near the end of both of my last 2 pregnancies! This must be normal (for me anyway), it means I'm getting close. Hooray, I remember! I even cried about it in past pregnancies, sat up at night worried about it, went over scenarios, thought of directions to write and tried to ignore it but it doesn't work. So this time, I'll accept it...don't get me wrong, I'm sure the tears over my forced vacation from complete control over these sweet gifts are coming...but I now expect them! Great! And so, I'll blog about it :) Maybe someday Grace will encounter this, and she'll know, its normal! Its the protective instinct that God gave me, and right now its on overdrive...another superpower to harness.
But now, at this moment, I'll try to also place extra faith in God, to oversee my sweet gifts from him while I'm on vacation and pray he'll oversee whomever will be charged with their care for those many hours. As much as I will cherish, absorb, and forever remember those precious first moments with their new brother, I will greatly miss the first three and anxiously wait til we are all under the same roof.
And so, now you know, even more, a crazy side of me. I don't like it, I can't stand it, yet a short vacation is inevitable...and I am up at night already worried about it. If the vacation didn't include a hit of life's greatest high, meeting a new little blessing that will grow my heart even bigger...I absolutely wouldn't take it. And so, I'll end this moment in my head, knowing this is normal...for me, that the worry won't stop...and neither will the nesting, but that God is with me. He knew that when our family was ready to greet our latest little blessing...he would be on call a little extra while this Mom is off duty lounging around with a newborn for a day or so...and please, God, when I get home....remind me you were always there, and still are...Lord help me :)
Do they know Will doesn't like the robot to that one toy? or that Grace...STOP note to self: just stop writing, and think to yourself :) 7 weeks to go...and btw...this is so a strength-weakness...traits are always both you know ;)
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