The Home Stretch

Well, its here. The home stretch. The last month before this sweet baby boy is here to look at, to watch grow and to to learn from. I CANT WAIT! I can't wait for him to see his sister and brothers, he is going to adore them and they him. But before he's here, and in case he's our last new baby, I want to recount all that I'm thinking about...so that I can remember, and so that Grace can someday read it...if she chooses, and know that all this is normal, to be expected, to be celebrated.

Pregnancy is something. I will never be one to say I LOVED being pregnant. I do love feeling that baby move inside and knowing that God gave me the special privilege of harboring that baby on his journey into this world. I feel privileged that God gave me a body capable of helping him with such a feat and being able to change itself to accomplish such a great miracle. I do NOT love compression hose, or feeling so exhausted in that first trimester that I wrestle with guilt for passing out iPads and iPods for hours at a time. I do not like being a little slower and not being able to play soccer with the kiddos or wrestle the way I would without being pregnant. I miss those things and I really despise having to tell the kiddos I can't because my belly is too big or my leg hurts or I'm so tired or nauseated and need to rest a minute. BUT, I would gladly do it again to be part of the miracle it stands for. And I know its good for my kids to learn that Mom has her needs, and to witness the process of a new baby growing...I just don't like to slow down :) ....ever. And venturing away from my daily schedule to stop by the doctor's office every few weeks in order to pee in a cup and measure my stomach with a tape measure is well....monotonous to me at times. I'm pretty sure if I could monitor that stuff at home, I'd tell the MD that I'd catch back up with him at the 28 week mark...someday.

Things I worry about...it changes. In the beginning, I was hesitant with my excitement, don't judge, just being honest. In my head: I have three perfect, healthy kiddos. I am blessed. I can't wrap my heart around the thought of a fourth and maybe set myself up for being sad if that baby doesn't make it through the pregnancy. I feel guilty for this thought...so I pray. I pray that God stays with me, that God guides and holds and cradles the life that he has entrusted to my body. I pray he stays with that little life to help me know that all will be ok because after all this life has his signature on it. Second trimester: pictures of a healthy baby, blood tests that elude to a healthy baby, doppler noises that denote a healthy heartbeat...I start to feel connected but now that darn mid-pregnancy US looms. With each pregnacy, my anxiety grows with the thought of this US. What information will this US bring to my life? I know in my heart that I now love this little life, I will guide and nurture this little life to its fullest because God has brought this life to me to do just that, and he will be with me to see it through. But still, the anxiety looms...and so, I pray. I pray that all will be well and that whatever is to come, that I will be the best mom for the job. 20 weeks comes and goes, all is well. A sweet baby boy is growing, is healthy, is moving....never, no matter how many babies I have, will I be less than completely amazed to see that picture of a baby, moving, 4 chambers of a heart beating, a spine wiggling, all inside of me...incredible. And now the third trimester, we're so close, things can still happen...but my chances of this baby surviving are increasing with every week. That gives you some assurance, yet the anxiety still hides in the background, peering out occasionally. and so, I pray...keep this baby healthy, keep me healthy, help me to keep alert to his movements, to how I feel and to keep mothering the three I have to the best of my ability.

Now, it sounds as if my pregnancies are filled with worry and really they are not, but it wouldn't be honest to say that, that is not part of my mind and heart on this journey. And so here we are, 4 weeks to go, I am filled with excitement!! What am I most excited about: this baby meeting his siblings!! They are so great! Even when I was pregnant with Jack, I never feared that I was "ruining" Grace's life by introducing a new sibling to the family. I know this is a common worry with lots of people. I see it as the greatest gift ever. A sibling is not here to detract from your family experience but to enhance it exponentially. Luckily, I have the greatest siblings of my own...and the lovely people they decided to marry are like extra siblings that fit right in! I pray that for my children as often as I can. I want them to be friends, to support each other, to have fun together, to cheer each other on, and keep each other centered. You all will be together long after I am with you and that is so cool. So, I can't wait for this baby to meet them! Let our story of 6 begin! Sure, I wonder how I'll pull off bathtime, bedtime, dinnertime, homework and breastfeeding all while Dad is gone at school....but we have family that will visit, a babysitter that is willing to help, and God will be right there to see it all through. We may have to stay up late past bedtime sometimes, eat take out more often than I'd like to think about, or watch too much tv for awhile...but we'll get through, and we'll be a family of 6, we'll do it together. Trent and I made it through the hardest learning curve there is on Baby #1. Its all new, all a challenge, and no instructions except instincts which you are still unsure about. Then, the greatest challenge I've faced as a person, was going from 1 to 2 kiddos, 16 mos. apart, 600 miles from home....that was rough. I was beyond tired, happy, but morphing from an I can do it all and keep doing it: to :its not about me anymore, its about these two, forever, on your own (not discrediting Trent, but he was support staff during after hours, prime time was all me), 24/7, and, so, I prayed, to find the joy in this tough segment of life because missing it would be worse. I found that joy, I changed my perspective, I learned to love devoting my 24/7 to feeding, changing, playing, doing little dishes, washing little clothes, singing little songs, reading little books, and filling my world with little bits of joy, 24/7.  Going from 2 to3, no sweat. I was ready, a newborn was not at all intimidating, my world had been given over to my most fulfilling career imaginable, and so I was glad to squeeze in another 7 lbs of joy into that routine. And those instincts were now pretty trustworthy and carried much more weight than any book I could read (though I kept reading). Going from 3 to 4....we'll see, again, no worries in sight about caring for that newborn...in fact, my brain is a little mushy on what to get ready. I kind of want to have the baby, rest a minute and then let me take him home. I've got this. Oh wait, what do I do again for that umbilical cord or circumcision? Yep, I feel like that is the stuff I've totally forgotten, God bless the nurses that will educate me for the 4th time!  Fitting 4 into the above mentioned chaotic night time routine....anxiety is looking at me from the corner of my mind....shhh, I'll get it down in no time, right God? Right. And Trent, he was alright on baby #1, much better on baby #2, unbelievable with #3 (as in: "where did you come from? and where was this calm dad attitude and step right up helpfulness with #1 and #2? but I won't ask, I'll just take it!)....So, it seems as if Dad will be a pro on #4, right? Right.

Ok, I"m ready, I think....after I go to the monogrammer's house and get that taken care of, oh, and I need to deliver those girl scout cookies first, and really it would be nice if Trent could get his finals out of the way the day before my due date....hmmm, oh and order some pacifiers, get out the pump (despise that thing, respect it, but despise it), pretty ready....mostly, just want to see all 4 of my babies together. can't wait.


Summary, pregnancy, a miracle, every time....enjoy it, get frustrated with it, be sad at how quickly it flies by, be thankful some parts fly by, remember it, honor it, let certain parts go, keep other parts forever in your heart....its a miracle, its always a blessing, it will change your life and your family's. It is incredible. Thank you God for this experience, again :)