Every time I set out on a trip with my family, I pray for safety. Much more often than not, I travel alone with my kids, across many states. That's another blog in itself. But I've got that down.
I ALWAYS spend the first few minutes of my drive, praying for God's presence on our journey. And to be real honest, I've always felt it. I've always felt the presence of what I describe as angels. To me, they are a white, light, breezy, presence, kind of human shaped but much more ethereal. And I've always noticed that there is one angel per person in my car. They are in different "stations" around the car on different trips. This is not something I think about, I just know it. To say I'm thankful for their presence is a significant understatement. Only one time, in late June of 2013, headed to STL to celebrate the 4th of July, there were 4 white angels and one gray one. The gray angel wasn't scary, just less light in color and more airy. That angel was positioned directly on top of the car which is not a common position for my traveling angels. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't speak of these angels really because I mean, how do you tell someone that? But I had dinner with my brother Adam, just him and I. How we managed to pull that off I'm not sure. Anyway, I told him, I knew he'd take me seriously. Interesting. By the end of my trip, I had a positive pregnancy test. To spare you the details, I was not pregnant on my way to STL and Trent hadn't come with us, but you know that conception can happen days after you know...so that gray angel was my baby, sweet Steven, waiting to take up full residency in the family- or actually, I think it was his guardian angel.
The only other change in angel formation I've had is when I was traveling with all four kids headed to St Louis another time. We were east bound on I-40 and there was a very terrible accident on the east bound side. I was staying focused on driving but worrying and praying for those people in those mangled cars. I suddenly felt Grace's angel leave her position in the back right of my car and go to that scene. We continued heading east. It actually made me nervous, that had never happened and now I was short an angel. Probably 30 minutes later, her angel returned. I sensed immediately that she'd had a job to do back there, they needed her, and she took the call. Why Grace's? I don't know. I can never "figure this stuff out". But I know its real.
Have you read my post about my rough couple of years? You would know if you read it. The next paragraphs won't make sense if you haven't read that one first so please go read it. please. right now.
go read it first
So, the traveling angels were about the deepest I would say I got spiritually, or at least that I was conscious of at this point. But, November of 2014, I'd had it in life. I'd had it with my husband, with God, with my foggy/mucky life outlook. I was miserable inside. I felt stuck and very, very alone. I started to pray an open prayer. I cried a bunch and spoke with and to God like he was really there. I was mad at him, mad at Trent, mad at life, I questioned God's intelligence in the way life was created, the way it was carried out and exactly what the hell he was thinking sometimes. I did. I probably cussed in conversation with him, while I was skipping church on a Sunday, too. I finally said: I give up. I think life sucks. I think I hear you but yet what I hear I can't make happen. So screw it. Please give me something else to hear, help me see the joy around me between the pain that I'm now very aware of in others, for others. Heck with Trent. You can deal with him God because I'm done with that for now. So there...
I was numb.
And so again, I'm driving to St Louis, with four kids, for Christmas break. I say my prayers for safe travel and feel the presence of our angels with us. I'm listening to whatever movie the kids are watching and counting the miles we have left. And BAM....
I have this instant download of information. I cannot describe it better than watching words being typed on this screen in my mind. Only God is a much faster typer than you can imagine. It was rows and rows of words, messages to deliver to specific people. Specific messages, to specific people, from God. How would I remember them, what did they mean? Was this a secret? God, hello, what? Can I have message for this other person because he really needs one...silence....what about her, or them....nothing. Me, a message for me....nada.
And so here I drove, with these messages etched into my brain. I didn't even have to try to remember them. I knew them backwards and forwards, still do. They aren't secret but I won't disclose their names here. And then the anxiety sets in, my old friend, how exactly do you deliver a message from God, that makes no sense to me but should to them? Oh Lord help me. But I was mystified, amazed. Deep inside, I knew God gave me that job. I could choose not to deliver the message, I could. free will people. But it was a light. A light not meant for me, but for three other people. I new how badly I needed light and so delivering that to someone who may need it just as much was absolutely going to happen, somehow or another...
First up, my dad, ok I said his name, talk to him about it if you want details but here's the gist of it...I figured he was a safe start. He may think I was crazy, had lost my mind, but he can't turn me away...not 37 years into the game. So, I say, Dad, I have to tell you something and its going to sound crazy. I explain what happened as I drove along and then said " and my first message is for you". He said, "ok, what is it"? I cry because I'm nervous and overwhelmed with delivery of a pretty deep message. It contained words and made mention of a time in which I wasn't even born yet. I couldn't know those feelings my dad had or struggles he faced, I wasn't even here!! But my dad knew. He knew what those words meant. I'll skip a bit- I left it at that. I reaffirmed that those words weren't from me or for me in any way, that I didn't know what they meant for him and never needed to. They were for him alone and I was only meant be the delivery person. So there. I did it. It felt good. I needed no reward and there would be no recognition, it was through me but in no way about me. weird.
I proceeded to deliver my next two messages. One seemed to elicit more confusion or deep thought at least. What could that mean? Again, I don't know. Do what you know you need to do with that info.The other was received graciously and a little bit in disbelief. It left a great responsibility with that person and she knew it. But she was up for it. I know her.
And so I did it, with three "safe" people. I don't know why I had to do that or what it will do. But I did it. And delivering their light, left me with a glimmer of hope, something I desperately needed.
And so yet again, driving home from St. Louis, with four kids in the car, listening to some kid movie or another, counting miles and planning rest stops...BAM, God started typing and the words were flying across the screen but this time in paragraphs, long ones, for me and not for me at the same time....I couldn't process it fast enough. It left me like a gust of wind had just blown through my mind...wow...now let me reread all of that. This is the message I received: I will share it because he wants me to. He wants me to share it. I have to try to live it, and help you know how to live it too. So here goes:
love
that's what its all about, ever
for my kids, be their mom in every way but most importantly, this:
teach them to see people around them, to feel people around them, to be kind, to show love
to know that God is with them, all the time
to know that they have everything they need to be just who God needs them to be, to listen for him, and be patient
to remind me: that they are who they are because they are just as God needs them to be, whether they are too soft spoken, too hard headed, too sensitive, too bossy, majorly strong willed, a super early riser, sassy, whatever...God made them as he intended them to be, period. I am their greatest guide, and I fill there heart with love that they can learn to give out because there will always be more from me, and their siblings, and family, and true friends, and from God. there will always be enough love, keep giving it out, always
to surround us (me and my family) with those who know or seek this truth also:
to encourage the people around us, to grow with them and pour love on their kids, too
to pour love on all kids, everywhere, all the time, they need it, all the time
to now remember that all of us have so much hurt, everyone, and give them a break, pray for them when you feel led to, be a friend, don't judge, they deal with that enough whoever they are, we all do
love, it starts and ends with that, all the time, its all that matters.
I know that on the outside of this message, of course school matters and work matters, and even birthday parties, girl scouts, soccer, and even girls nights out. But that the main thread of all of those and of everything needs to be truth and love. nothing else, or don't even bother counting it as "real"
So, there you go. That was my first message addressed to me. And I try everyday to follow it. Not one of us is perfect, can't be. But keep trying because God knows our efforts and our intents. He does. I know because that was part of someone else's message.
It's simple and so complicated at the same time. Try to simplify it. Smile at people. Be kind. Look in people's eyes and say "have a good day". The little things matter big. Thank people. give out the love
There is so much more, I am just writing about this now, but this took place over 18 months ago. I'll keep writing in hopes that it lights someone else's path, too. There is so much more to come, love you all
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